Our Sweet Girl

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

2011-09-07T07:21:00.002-04:00

There are some cancer victims who live in heaven now. But there are others who are still here on earth, among us, still fighting for their chance to grow up and live their lives.

Now is the time to focus on those who still have a chance...

Katie - 13th Heaven Anniversary

2011-06-23T21:55:00.001-04:00

Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.

20 Years Today

2011-04-17T23:35:00.000-04:00

Katie and Sissy

It is hard to believe that Katie was born 2o years ago today!

We recently found the above photo tucked inside a book. These were happy times in spite of illness.

No sickness in heaven. Miss you sweet girl.

Dear Katie from Sissy

2010-10-04T21:35:00.002-04:00

This note was written by Shannon to Katie. I found it on her facebook page under "notes." Am stealing it...

Dear Katie, I think about you every day, and I dream about you taking care of me when we were little. I remember everything about you. People tell me that I can’t. That I was too young. But I do. I love you. Just as much now as I did when I could talk to you. And I still do. Talk to you, I mean. When I need a big sister to tell my secrets to. Or when I need advice about boys, clothes, and friends. I complain to you about school, and people who’ve hurt me. Usually I talk to you about God. Because you’ve met him. And I know it’s selfish, sissy. But I wish you were here sometimes. I wish I could have grown up with you. I would have been a much better person if I had. I will always miss you, and love you. And I promise I’ll never forget. Not if I can help it.

Sincerely, your sissy here on the ground

~~~

years months days

2010-09-29T22:37:00.003-04:00

memories flooding my soul
green satin dress
pale pink flowers
children singing jesus loves me
you sleeping forever
only seven
why?
twelve years
four months
five days
pain searing
no sudden movement
is possible

memories invading my mind
snow white bean blankie
white baby pillow
tan stuffed lion you called a doggie
you smiling at me
my baby
how?
seven years
two months
six days
heart stopping
taken from me
you’re gone

memories intruding my heart
long blonde hair
big blue eyes
beautiful smile that lit up the room
cold hospital
sweet girl
when?
unknown years
nameless months
indefinite days
meeting again
one fine day
in heaven

for katie by mom

~~~

Loves Like a Hurricane

2010-06-25T19:26:00.010-04:00

Twelve years ago tomorrow, we buried our angel Katie. It was a hot Friday summer day. After it was over, Katie's daddy, sissy, and I "escaped" to the beach for a few days. We could not face being home.

Now the anniversary looms again, but what are dates on the calendar, really? Time is going to pass ... and yet I am still going to long for my little girl...

Very often I will turn to music for solace. There is a contemporary Christian song that I have been listening to and it has been giving me comfort these past few weeks. It's called "How He Loves," written by John Mark McMillan. It's been redone several times by other artists but his version is my favorite (because it contains the 3rd verse about his late friend Stephen.)

This is my favorite lyric:

"When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."

The peace flows through me...

~~~

12 Years Ago...

2010-06-22T22:43:00.008-04:00

Tomorrow will mark the 12th anniversary of when Katie went to heaven...

This song explains what she means to me... then, now, and always.

Always an Angel

If you saw me smiling

Your eyes would twinkle and you would laugh

If you saw me crying

You’d say “Mommy don’t be so sad”

If you saw me living

You’d be proud and you’d understand

If you saw me dying

You’d reach down and take my hand

You were always an angel
Now you’re with the Lord
Wish that you could come and get me
And take me home
My precious little girl
Oh I miss you still
Always my angel

When I saw you laughing
I knew you were a happy girl
When I saw you crying
It broke my heart to see you hurt
When I saw you living
Thought you’d always be there for me
When I saw you dying
I knew the cancer had set you free

Always an angel
And I’ll thank the Lord
For the seven years I had you
Until I go home
And see my sweet girl
Oh I miss you still
Always my angel

for katie by mom 2001

~~~

Our Family

2010-06-13T18:01:00.004-04:00

Our family by Katie

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
~ Proverbs 22:6

~~~

Golden Girl

2010-06-05T14:48:00.003-04:00

Little Katie, age 2

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
~George Elliot

~~~

Angels in Training

2010-05-30T18:38:00.002-04:00

a Sandra Kuck painting

"Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams. Wherever there is love, an angel is flying by. Your guardian angel knows you inside and out, and loves you just the way you are. Angels keep it simple and always travel light. Remember to leave space in your relationships so the angels have room to play. Your guardian angel helps you find a place when you feel there is no place to go. Whenever you feel lonely, a special angel drops in for tea. Angels are with you every step of the way and help you soar with amazing grace. After all, we are angels in training; all we have to do is spread our wings and fly!"
-- Author Unknown

~~~

Grown-Up Sissy

2010-05-20T18:27:00.004-04:00

Sissy and Katie, having fun with cake!

Sissy is 18 years old today. Hard to believe that the picture above was taken when Sissy was four. I remember like it was yesterday... When they finished with the bowls, they used them for party hats.

"This is the day
which the Lord has made;
Let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24

~~~

By the 'Side

2010-05-10T22:30:00.004-04:00

This is a pretty painting that reminds me of Katie. The little angel is so contemplative...

When Katie passed away, she didn't just leave me and her dad and her sissy. She had aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends, too.

Her very "best" cousin was Tommy who was 18 months older than her. He was barely 9 when Katie left for heaven. Whenever he would talk about visiting Katie's grave, he didn't call it the "graveyard" or "graveside." He dubbed it The 'Side. All these years later, we still call it that.

Here is a poem I wrote while visiting there one day...

By the 'Side

I wonder what

would happen

if I lay down

beside you

and never got up

but the ground

is cold

and wet and hard

and I can’t

stay here

even though

I yearn to

I long to stay

here with you

but I must go now

because you would

want me to

you would not want

me here

this way

for katie by mom

~~~

Guardians

2010-05-05T21:46:00.004-04:00

Katie's drawing of an angel

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. ~ Psalm 91:11

~~~

Miracle

2010-05-02T22:17:00.003-04:00

Every baby born into this world is a wonder from God. This song was written a few years ago about my firstborn.

~~~~~~~

Miracle

On the day that you were born
A baby girl so adored
I looked into those blue eyes and saw
Such love and trust
The first time that I held you I knew
There was something so special about you
You were a miracle to me

On the day the doctor said
That it’s something really bad
I looked into those blue eyes and saw
Such wisdom and faith
You were just a little girl but you knew
God had something special planned for you
You were a miracle to Him

All the days that followed
It seemed so unfair
That one so brave and little
Could be so wise and aware
Of all the struggles you faced
Yet still believe
In miracles
What a miracle you are

On the day that you came home
They said the cancer was gone
I looked into those blue eyes and saw
Such strength and hope
You were ready for the world but we knew
Was this world special enough for you
You were a miracle to us

On the day the angel came
To carry you away
She looked into those blue eyes and saw
Such peace and joy
The first time that she held you she knew
There was something so special about you
You were a miracle to her

All the days that followed
It seemed so unfair
That one so brave and little
Could be so wise and aware
Of all the struggles we faced
Yet still believe
In miracles
What a miracle you were

for katie by mom

~~~

Peace of God

2010-04-30T18:08:00.001-04:00

Still smiling, even while in the hospital... that was my brave girl.

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

~~~

A Good Point to Ponder

2010-04-25T14:40:00.002-04:00

Artwork by Katie... Quote by Sissy

Hilarity ensues when madness is a constant, a happy madness bathed in laughter. Away from the fears of life, the stress and shame of existing. The failings of mankind. Just happy laughter. If only for a moment more. ~ Sissy

~~~

Another Birthday...

2010-04-16T21:00:00.007-04:00

Tomorrow is Katie's birthday. She would have been 19 years old. Ten years ago, on her 9th birthday, I wrote this poem for her...

~~~~~~~

Nine

Dear God Our Father in heaven

It’s an extraordinary day!
For You have with You a little girl
Who’s nine years old today.

I know that You will celebrate
Oh so joyously,
But Lord, please heed this prayer,

As a special favor to me.

I could make a list of all the gifts
That she’d really love,
But what delights her most of all
Is just a simple hug.

She’d enjoy blowing out the candles
On her birthday cake,
But that won’t be necessary,
For what wish would she make?

She already has everything
That a little girl enjoys –
A golden playground in the sky
Filled with lots of toys.

She can run through the clouds
And laugh, sing, and play;
She probably sits in Granny’s lap
And cuddles every day.

With angel friends to play with
And chase among the breeze,
She’s the happiest she’s ever been –
Healthy, whole, and free.

So as angel choirs sing
The birthday song for her today,
Please touch our hearts and send
Your loving peace our way.

I know that every day is wondrous,
Up there where You’re from,
But Lord, please wish my angel
“Happy Birthday” from her mom.

for katie by mom
April 17, 2000
~~~~~~~

Easter Traditions

2010-04-05T20:02:00.004-04:00

I had the incredible opportunity to spend Easter with my little grandniece and grandnephew yesterday. They are so precious! Thank You Lord for the children, both big and small.

Tomb, thou shalt not hold Him longer;
Death is strong, but Life is stronger;
Stronger than the dark, the light;
Stronger than the wrong, the right...

~Phillips Brooks, "An Easter Carol"

~~~

For the Good

2010-04-03T20:21:00.004-04:00

Toddler Katie, sitting pretty for a portrait ...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
~ Romans 8:28
~~~

Forever...

2010-04-02T23:22:00.001-04:00

"If I had a flower for every time I think of you... I would walk forever in my garden." ~ Alfred Tennyson

Katie loved flowers, especially yellow ones, and she liked to pick them herself and make bouquets. She would always give them away.

She also loved angels; her favorites were Lady angels with long blonde hair. She didn't like cherubs very much because they had no clothes.

These are a few of the things that I remember and it makes me smile...

~~~

Some People

2010-03-22T22:16:00.002-04:00

Above is a picture of a beautiful toddler named Katie. Below is a fervent poem that I wrote shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer. It is somewhat "woe is me" but heartfelt.

Some People

Some people have normal lives
What a concept
They can go out to eat
Or to a movie
And blend in
Just like everyone else
We don’t
They stare
Some people
A few openly
Others discreetly
All with pity
Children sometimes
Ask innocent questions

Why is she different

From everybody else

Some people get teary-eyed

Some shy away as if

Cancer were contagious

(It’s not)

I want to say

Don’t you realize

You are in the presence

Of an angel?

I want to cry out

Don’t pity us

We are okay

But I smile

Nod politely

Accept the sympathy

For what it is worth

Some people

Have

Normal lives

What a

Concept

for katie by mom 1996

~~~

All Things New

2010-03-15T21:17:00.004-04:00

This verse speaks to my heart today... I know my little girl is with God. And we will be there too one day! No tears, no pain...

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. ~ Revelation 22:4-5

~~~

Sisters

2010-03-11T21:36:00.003-05:00

Sisters forever...

If we are to have real peace, we must begin with the children. - Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Katie's Dad

2010-03-09T06:34:00.000-05:00

Today is Katie's daddy's birthday. Above is a picture she drew for him. It's a cherished piece of artwork.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
~~~

Best Buddies

2010-03-02T20:00:00.000-05:00

Sweet sisters, all smiles...

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James

~~~

Matters of the Heart

2010-02-14T20:08:00.003-05:00

Valentine by Katie...

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
~ Proverbs 4:23

~~~

This Nightmare

2010-02-13T21:51:00.007-05:00

Some days I just feel sorry for myself.... I wrote this song on one of Those Days...

~~~~~~~

This Nightmare

Sometimes my grief and suffering will still push me over the edge

And I will do something bizarre like cry and plead and beg

But I suppose that God is used to harassment
On days when I can not utter a sentence that is complete
The only comfort I can find are the dreams that come with sleep
But I suppose that angels offer serenity

Take me from this nightmare

Is my constant agonizing prayer
Lift my broken spirit
If You really do care like You say You do
Like You say You do

This work in progress is weak and full of misunderstandings
I have so much to offer, like peace and new beginnings
But I suppose this world will not stop turning

Today I got up from my bed, ready to finally face a day
The sunlight blinded my eyes and I retreated once again
But I suppose there always is tomorrow

Take me from this nightmare
Is my constant agonizing prayer
Lift my broken spirit
If You really do care like You say You do
Like You say You do

Take me from this nightmare
Take me from this nightmare
Yeah

written during a deep depression, obviously

~~~

Memories...

2010-02-10T19:51:00.004-05:00

Artist Katie with her masterpieces proudly displayed in the hospital room...

The past couple of weeks have been hard on my in-law family. Our grand-niece Sophie, a beautiful 3-year-old with cystic fibrosis, has been in the hospital. She has been gravely ill and there were times when we just didn't know how things were going to turn out.

Her mom, dad, baby brother, grandparents, aunt, and all of the extended family have been praying for her continuously. Finally... today she came home from the hospital! Praise God!

Times like these bring back so many memories for me. Thoughts of Katie come to me and the experience we shared seems like yesterday, not almost 12 years ago. The onslaught of pain to my heart overwhelms me as I recall the days and nights of long hospital visits. The IVs, the shots, the bandage changes, not to mention the chemo.

As I type this, I feel split in two somehow. One part of me is so sad and longing, weeping, wishing, wondering what life would be like if I could just hold Katie one more time... On the other hand, I am grateful that the Lord gave us seven years with an angel. I feel blessed for those midnight rides down the interstate, rushing to get to UNC. Me and Kate-Kate against the world...

Most of all, I am thankful for the children that are still here on earth with me. I have a lovely teenage daughter who is sweet and has a generous heart. I have my grand-niece and grand-nephew; I will watch them grow up... And I will smile and be glad.

~~~

Wish I Had a River

2010-01-23T20:50:00.001-05:00

Katie liked to go fishing with her PaPa.

Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. ~ Isaiah 43:18-19

~~~

A Little Umph

2010-01-17T18:13:00.003-05:00

Katie, hard at work! She believed in staying busy...

The difference between try and triumph is a little umph. ~Author Unknown

~~~

To Start a New Year

2010-01-02T22:10:00.005-05:00

A Prayer for the New Year

By Anonymous

A new year is unfolding—like a blossom with petals curled tightly concealing the beauty within.

Lord, let this year be filled with the things that are truly good—with the comfort of warmth in our relationships, with the strength to help those who need our help and the humility and openness to accept help from others.

As we make our resolutions for the year ahead, let us go forward with great hope that all things can be possible—with Your help and guidance.

~~~

Waiting...

2009-12-30T19:33:00.002-05:00

Artwork by Katie

~~~~~~~

Pray and Wait

People smile and say

How are you today

I smile

And say

Fine

Then my smile cracks

Like a mirror

For I am lying

My little girl is sick

And there is nothing

I can do

But wait

And pray

Pray

And

Wait

For the day to come

When we can say

Cancer free

She is so brave

And smart

And lovely

I feel useless

And stupid

Until at night

She hugs me

And says

Oh my sweet mommy

Then I know

Why I am here

for katie by mom

~~~

"Christmas in Heaven"

2009-12-25T07:35:00.005-05:00

Sissy and Katie - Christmas 1995

I found a poem on the internet and am not sure who wrote it. Different websites give credit to different sources; some say a boy named Ben and others cite a teenage girl. Whoever wrote it, God bless them. It gives me comfort each year at Christmas time.

~~~~~~~

"I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus This Year"

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here

I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away
We really aren't apart

So be happy for me, dear ones
You know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year

I sent you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above
I sent you each a memory
Of my undying love

After all love is a gift
More precious than pure gold
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told

Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessing or love
He has for each of you

So have a Merry Christmas
And wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year

Author Unknown

~~~

Did You Know?

2009-12-17T21:22:00.004-05:00

I am listening to the Christmas CD that Todd Agnew (and friends) released a couple of years ago. Every song is so incredibly uplifting. Of course, anything that is poignant, sweet, or melancholy reminds me of my Kate-Kate.

My favorite song is "Did You Know" which asks Jesus:

Did You know?
Did the cross cast its shadow o'er your cradle?
Did You know?
Did You shudder each time Your hammer struck a nail?
Did you know?
How much heaven and how much earth
Were in this baby at His birth?
Did you know? Or did you wonder?

Amazing song ...

~~~

Fight to Win

2009-12-06T21:31:00.004-05:00

Katie laughing - age 5

Today I saw a public service announcement for awareness of Hodgkin's disease. It was made in memory of a young lady named Alese Coco, who fought the battle but succumbed two years ago.

The first time I saw the PSA, I was horrified - it seemed like the advertisers were using the "shock value" to get the message across. After watching several times, I finally reached an understanding that sometimes people have to be stunned into action and awareness.

Whatever works to raise money to save lives. Like the smiling, laughing happy girl above who battled a different cancer.

If you have a box of Kleenex handy, watch this PSA for fight2win.org.

~~~~~~~

Love Notes

2009-11-27T21:58:00.002-05:00

Post Thanksgiving bliss... I thank the Lord for this... a love note from my Kate-Kate.

A poem by Mary Fairfield

For beauty in nature, Your glory we see

For joy and health, friends and family,

For daily provision, Your mercy and care

These are the blessings You graciously share.

So today we offer this response of praise

With a promise to follow You all of our days.
~~~

Missing an Angel Today

2009-11-07T21:02:00.001-05:00

Hello Beautiful Girl, mommy misses you today.

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increases knowledge increases sorrow. ~ Ecclesiastes 1:18

~~~

Prayer Time

2009-11-01T21:22:00.000-05:00

Prayer time, as depicted by Katie

God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer. ~Mother Teresa

~~~

My Kate-Kate

2009-10-31T21:48:00.008-04:00

Halloween 1994

Katie tried, but she was too cute to be a witch for Halloween. This picture was taken the Halloween BC (before cancer.)

Here is a poem I wrote that reminds me of today...

Pictures

Picture the mischievous look on her face when she smiles and says, “You are my favorite mommy in the whole wide world.”

Picture the pride in her eyes when she writes her name for the very first time.

Imagine her delighted giggle when she rides her bike down a hill.

Picture the way her hair curls when you twirl it around your fingers.

Picture how small her hands are when she lovingly touches your face.

Imagine how warm her body feels cuddled next to yours on a stormy night.

Picture how she strikes a pose when she tries on her first high heels.

Picture how beautiful she looks in her princess Halloween costume.

Imagine how sweet her voice is as she is saying, “I love you, my sweet little mommy.”

Now picture her in heaven with the angels and all that you have left of her . . .

Are pictures.

for katie by mom 2000

~~~

A Happy Student

2009-10-15T22:25:00.002-04:00

Katie liked school and she enjoyed learning. She even liked to play "school;" she was always the teacher...

You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives. ~Clay P. Bedford

~~~

The B-I-B-L-E

2009-10-10T19:16:00.004-04:00

Katie enjoyed listening to Bible stories, especially the ones about Jesus talking to the children. She gets to talk to Him daily now...

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
~ 1 Peter 3:15

~~~

Blue Eyes

2009-10-04T21:05:00.001-04:00

Baby Katie with big blue eyes

Angels descending, bring from above, Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
~Fanny J. Crosby

~~~

A Dream

2009-10-01T21:43:00.002-04:00

Katie passed away at 4 AM on a Tuesday. For months afterwards, every morning I would wake up at that time. Sometimes I would get up and search for her. God sent me a dream to comfort me...

~~~~~~~

My Dream

In my dream, I looked up
And saw you
You were wearing
A long white dress
Your hair was flowing and golden
You were too beautiful
To behold
You looked at me
And smiled
And I knew
That you were happy
And you wanted me
To be happy, too
I love you, Katie
Love, mommy

for katie by mom

~~~

Deep Dear Silence

2009-09-30T21:33:00.004-04:00

Artwork by Katie...

Think, in mounting higher,
The angels would press on us, and aspire
To drop some golden orb of perfect song
Into our deep, dear silence.

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

~~~

Stairway to Heaven

2009-09-27T20:48:00.003-04:00

Katie was fascinated by the subject of heaven. She loved God and now she is with Him.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. ~ Ephesians 2:8

~~~

Four on a Swing

2009-09-22T21:43:00.003-04:00

Jamie, Sissy, Tommy, Katie

Autumn is here and there is a nip in the air already. Above is a beloved picture of my four favorite children, taking a break after playing in the fall leaves.

Good, good times.

One joy scatters a hundred griefs. - Chinese Proverb

~~~

Angels Resting

2009-09-16T21:45:00.003-04:00

May angels rest beside your door
May you hear their voices sing
May you feel their loving care for you
May you hear their peace bells ring
May angels always care for you
And not let you trip and fall
May they bear you up on angel's wings
May they keep you standing tall
May they whisper wisdom in your ear
May they touch you when you need
May they remove from you each trace of fear
May they keep you from feeling greed
May they fill you with their presence
May they show you love untold
May they always stand beside you
And make you ever bold
May they teach you what you need to know
About life here and here-after
May they fill you always with their love
And give you the gift of laughter

Unknown

~~~

Belly Laughs

2009-09-09T21:10:00.001-04:00

Two happy laughing girls!

Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief.
~ Proverbs 14:13

~~~

Home Again Home Again

2009-09-03T21:53:00.003-04:00

Although our house was tiny, to Katie it was a mansion. Here is a picture she drew - she is watching from the window as her dad and me come home...

Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration. ~Charles Dickens

~~~

Letter to God

2009-09-01T21:57:00.003-04:00

In spite of my faith in the Lord, sometimes I felt a loss of hope. At these times I would pray and put the words on paper.

~~~~~~~

Where...

as i sit and wait and ponder

how the child i love

can be in so much pain

where is God

when the nighttime comes

where is the comfort

the hope, the faith

where is my baby going

how will we cope if the time comes

that she is to go home

will the sunshine come back

i wonder

as i sit by her bedside

raining outside, dreary, gloomy

as i pray and i feel

my prayers stick to the ceiling

oh God i pray please

let my little girl be okay

if just for one more day

for katie by mom

~~~

Another Puppy From A Different Time

2009-08-30T21:19:00.002-04:00

Sissy and Kate-Kate snuggle with a pup named Casey

"Not the least hard thing to bear when they go from us, these quiet friends, is that they carry away with them so many years of our lives. Yet, if they find warmth therein, who would begrudge them those years that they have so guarded? And whatever they take, be sure they have deserved."

John Galsworthy

~~~

She is Katie's Puppy Now

2009-08-18T21:22:00.002-04:00

In August of 2000, we went to the flea market to buy a puppy. We came home with the sweetest one there - a miniature schnauzer that we named Ashley.

Nine years of being a faithful companion and friend. Sometimes it felt like she was my ONLY friend. Adorable and full of unconditional love, that was our girl.

Today the vet said that there was nothing that she could do. Ashley was sick and needed an operation. If they could get her fever down, they would do the surgery. It was not to be and we had to let her go.

I looked right into her sweet little eyes, holding her face in my hands. I said, "When you get to heaven, ask for Katie, age 7. She is waiting for you. The Lord wants you to be her doggie now."

Thank you God for the years we had with our Ashley, otherwise know as Tap Dancer or Grunting Girl.

You will be missed by all of us...

~~~

Kite Flying

2009-08-08T21:15:00.001-04:00

Artwork by Katie

Thorns and stings
And those such things
Just make stronger
Our angel wings.
~Terri Guillemets

~~~

Trust in the Lord

2009-07-23T21:25:00.000-04:00

Katie took her "doctoring business" very seriously. She prayed every night, too. I know that God heard her prayers.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

~~~

Heaven Waits

2009-07-17T22:00:00.002-04:00

Ever felt an angel's breath in the gentle breeze? A teardrop in the falling rain? Hear a whisper amongst the rustle of leaves? Or been kissed by a lone snowflake? Nature is an angel's favorite hiding place. ~Carrie Latet

~~~

Considering Joy

2009-07-13T19:05:00.002-04:00

Katie's artwork... riding in the car with mom...

No matter where we were, Katie always felt safe with me. In my arms, she found comfort. As children of God, we will find that same comfort in Him when faced with fear or trouble.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds.
~ James 1:2

~~~

I Scream For Ice Cream

2009-07-10T21:38:00.004-04:00

One of our best summer memories is going to the beach. It was a joyous and awesome trip, sponsored by an organization called Jason's House. Above is one of my favorite pictures of Katie, striking a pose. Loving that ice cream cone!

Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first. ~Ernestine Ulmer

~~~

Let Freedom Ring

2009-07-04T20:09:00.005-04:00

Without Christ, there is no freedom. Today we should all remember that simple truth ...

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
~ 2 Corinthians 3:17

~~~

One June Day

2009-06-30T20:29:00.003-04:00

Toddler Kate-Kate, ready to play! It was summertime!

What is one to say about June, the time of perfect young summer, the fulfillment of the promise of the earlier months, and with as yet no sign to remind one that its fresh young beauty will ever fade. ~Gertrude Jekyll

~~~

Heaven Anniversary

2009-06-23T05:07:00.000-04:00

Eleven years ago today, Katie went to heaven. This song was written a few months after...

*******

Heaven Should Be Happy Now

Every place I go, everywhere I turn
I see a little girl that reminds me of her
Curly blonde hair, big blue eyes
That wide-eyed look of such sweet surprise
And every day I live, my heart yearns
Because a closer look reveals that it’s not her

Heaven should be happy now
It has another angel
A seven-year old angel
To add to the chorus
Heaven should be singing now
It has our little Katie
Oh, my darling sweet girl
Heaven is now yours

Every night I pray for a healing hand
To touch my broken heart and help me understand
That she’s happy and free; she’s not in any pain
And if we are Christians, we will see her again
But every breath I take, I miss her smile
And wish that I could hold her for just a little while

Heaven should be happy now
With its newest angel
A beautiful angel
To sit at the throne
Heaven is rejoicing now
With our little Katie
Sweetest loving baby
Heaven is your home

Heaven should be happy now
Lighting many candles
To celebrate the moment
And sing in angel choirs
Heaven will be praying for
Katie’s mourning family
Praying that we know someday
Heaven will be ours

a song for katie by mom
~~~

Forget Me Not

2009-06-07T21:31:00.002-04:00

In Grandma's kitchen. The last picture taken of Katie.

Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven,
Blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels.
~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Evangeline"

~~~

May All Go Well

2009-06-01T18:54:00.003-04:00

Katie liked to draw and color. She did a great job on the picture above.

"Dear friend,
I pray that you
may enjoy good health
and that all may go well with you,
even as your soul
is getting along well."
3 John 1:2

~~~

A Sister's Love

2009-05-20T18:44:00.003-04:00

Katie and Shannon (Sissy)

Happy Birthday Sissy!

Katie was only 13 months old when Shannon was born. She was always looking out for her baby sis - they played together, fought together, got in trouble together. Most of all, they loved each other very much.

"For there is no friend like a sister
In calm or stormy weather;
To cheer one on the tedious way,
To fetch one if one goes astray,
To lift one if one totters down,
To strengthen whilst one stands."

By: Christina Rossetti

~~~

Celebrating Hope

2009-05-17T09:05:00.003-04:00

The annual Relay for Life event is coming up soon...

Johnston County's will be in Smithfield on the Community College campus - where Sissy now attends the Early College Program.

FULL CIRCLE!!

When the world says, "Give up,"
Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
~Author Unknown

~~~

My First Mother's Day

2009-05-10T07:20:00.004-04:00

Baby Katie

The first time that I celebrated Mother's Day as a mom was in 1991. Katie was only a few weeks old. It was before the tumor. Before we ever heard the word neuroblastoma. Before the wreckage. Before the pain.

Before before before...

"You came from Heaven on angel wings

And became my Earth Angel."

~~~

It Still Seems Like Yesterday Sometimes

2009-04-25T08:13:00.005-04:00

Today is a good day, a great day. Sissy won a writing contest and we are going to an awards event. It will be fun and Katie would have been so proud of her sister.

However, I am melancholy for some reason and missing the one that is no longer here. Sometimes the only way to get past the heartache is to face it... so I come to this blog for a tear which turns into a smile.

One year after Katie went to heaven, I wrote this song for her... I feel like this today...

*******

Seems Like Yesterday

Has it been a year
Since you grinned at me
And said I was your very favorite mommy
Oh, you loved to make me laugh

Has it been a year
Since you batted your eyes
And smiled . . .
It seems like yesterday

Has it been a year
Since we watched you play
And run barefoot in the grass on a sunny day
Oh, you were seven years old

Has it been a year
Since you cuddled with sister
And giggled . . .
It seems like yesterday

It seems like yesterday
Wasn’t it just one hour ago
Was it a moment we captured in time
Just how precious, we did not know

Has it been a year
Since I held you close
And sang the “Angel” song that you loved the most
Oh, I rocked you one last time

Has it been a year
Since you closed your blue eyes
And slept . . .
It seems like yesterday

Has it been a year
Since God spoke to you
And said, “I have your wings and your halo, too”
Oh, heaven called your name

Has it been a year
Since we said our good-byes
And cried . . .
It seems like yesterday

It seems like yesterday
Wasn’t it just one hour ago
Was it a moment we captured in time
Just how precious, we did not know

a song for katie by mommy
~~~

"Sissy's Song"

2009-04-19T14:27:00.005-04:00

Sissy & Kate-Kate (proudly posing with the Alan Jackson poster)

Sometimes God puts us in the right place at the right time in order to teach us a lesson. More often than not, it is a very simple set of circumstances ...

Yesterday, Shannon and I went shopping as part of our Girls Day Out. We were in the Treasure Mart, and I noticed that country music was playing over the intercom. As you may have read on a previous post, country music makes me very sad, so I was doing my best to ignore it.

Then I heard an unmistakeable voice - Alan Jackson. He was Katie's all-time favorite singer and her hero. The song they were playing was slow and sad; I didn't recognize it but caught some lyrics about heaven and angels. Needless to say, the song was on my mind the rest of the day.

I finally got the nerve to consult my "friend" Google to learn about the song I heard over the intercom. It is called "Sissy's Song" and Alan Jackson wrote it for a housekeeper who died suddenly.

What gets me most about this song is that Sissy is the name that Katie gave to her sister. We still call her this nickname to this day. Shannon's nickname for Katie was Kate-Kate (or often Meanie, depending on what was happening at the time.)

It's funny how a coincidence like this can make us feel like Someone in heaven is looking down with compassion and sending a tiny bit of comfort our way...

~~~

Be Still... And Know...

2009-04-18T21:58:00.002-04:00

Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.

~ Psalms 46:10

~~~

Are There Birthday Parties in Heaven?

2009-04-17T05:17:00.002-04:00

Baby Katie

Today is Katie's birthday - it is hard to believe that she would be 18 years old today!

I have often wondered about what heaven is like for Katie... is she still 7? Will she recognize us when we get there? Does she remember us right now as she sings with the angels? I know that my questions will be answered one day.

About a month before Katie was born, I wrote this song for her; it is to the tune of "What Child is This (Greensleeves)." I did not realize how prophetic some of the words would be.

Happy Birthday to my angel daughter.

*******

Katie's Song

Oh Katie dearest love of mine
As you lie gently sleeping
Ten thousand angels watch over you
A close watch on you they are keeping
Precious baby just close your eyes
Give in to dreams of such sweet surprise
Little one that the Lord gave to
A mom and daddy that love you

Oh Katie dearest of my heart
As you sit quietly playing
Your angel friends take care of you
And each one of them is praying
As you play with all your games
And books and dolls and toys
You will smile and remember them
And your heart be filled with joy

Oh Katie dearest little one
As I hold you in my arms today
I know you’re sent from heaven above
Oh what a beautiful babe
You are only ours to treasure
For a borrowed time I know
And we vow to take care of you
‘Til it’s time to let you go

for katie by mom 1991
~~~

Self-Portrait

2009-04-15T22:08:00.003-04:00

This is a picture of Katie by Katie...

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. ~ 2 Corinthians 5:1

~~~

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T09:23:00.006-04:00

Katie - Easter portrait 1993

Spring bursts today,
For Christ is risen and all the earth's at play.
…Sing, creatures, sing,
Angels and men and birds, and everything …
~ Christina G. Rossetti

~~~

Springtime is Here Again

2009-03-22T11:19:00.001-04:00

Artwork by Katie... she enjoyed springtime and she loved flowers.

The poem below was written in March of '99.

*******

But...

I can’t hold your little hand
Or kiss your pretty face
I can’t pat you on your back
Or hug you everyday
I can’t watch you while you sleep
And wonder what you dream
I can’t see you wake up smiling
Oh so mischievously
But God can . . .

I don’t help you tie your shoes
Or button your coat for you
I don’t make your buttered toast
Or pour your Mt. Dew
I don’t take you to kindergarten
Or praise your latest artwork
I don’t make your boo-boos better
Or kiss away your hurt
But God does . . .

I won’t see you graduate
Or go to the high school prom
I won’t see you drive a car
Go to college, or get a job
I won’t see you as a young lady
With a family of your own
I won’t know how you’ll look
When you are all grown
But God will . . .

for katie by mom
~~~

All's Right with the World

2009-03-13T20:49:00.005-04:00

When Katie's hair grew back the first time, it became a huge blonde 'fro! We loved it.

The year's at the spring
And day's at the morn;
Morning's at seven;
The hillside's dew-pearled;
The lark's on the wing;
The snail's on the thorn;
God's in His heaven -
All's right with the world!
~Robert Browning

~~~

"When I Finally Make it Home"

2009-03-08T09:00:00.003-04:00

Photo by Spring Hill Merchant

MercyMe is one of my favorite contemporary Christian bands; I love all of their music. This song in particular is amazing - “Finally Home.” I can’t listen to it without shedding a tear, but they are cleansing ones.

When I attempt to sing along, I tweak the first couple of lines just a bit:

“I’m gonna wrap my arms around my Katie’s neck
And tell her that I’ve missed her.
And tell her all about the mom that I became
And hope that it pleased her.”

~~~

Cancer Can't...

2009-03-01T21:09:00.004-05:00

Katie in the red wagon at UNC. It was her favorite mode of transpo at the hospital.

Cancer is so limited that:

It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
It cannot conquer the spirit

~Anonymous

~~~

A Valentine Memory

2009-02-14T12:33:00.005-05:00

While at UNC Hospital, Katie would spend hours drawing and writing and coloring. She loved to make valentines for her loved ones. Since she loved everybody, she always had a lot of work to do! Because of Katie, I learned that you can make a perfect valentine by folding the paper and cutting the folded edge into a half-heart shape.

I can imagine Katie making hearts in heaven...

There is no surprise more magical than the surprise of being loved. It is God's finger on man's shoulder. ~Charles Morgan

~~~

The In-Between

2009-02-04T21:55:00.001-05:00

A few days after Katie left us for heaven, I had a dream about her. It was one of the many dreams that would come... The poem below came from a very special message I received from God and Katie.

*******

The In-Between

I see Katie standing alone
She is in-between
This world and the next
Standing alone in the middle
The in-between
On one side
There’s mommy and daddy
On the other side
There’s the Lord
He is standing there patiently waiting
Waiting for Katie to come home
His arms are outstretched, beckoning
From the in-between Katie turns
She waves to mommy and daddy
Blows them a farewell kiss
She is sad, but also happy
And she runs . . .
Runs faster and faster
She runs to her Lord
Jumps into His arms
He catches her, holds her high
They walk off into heaven
Out of the in-between
Katie chooses her cloud
She dons her wings
She is free now
Yes, Lord, she is free now

for katie by mom
~~~

Eyes So Blue

2009-01-07T22:22:00.003-05:00

Where Did You Come From?

by George MacDonald, 1871

Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the everywhere into here.
Where did you get your eyes so blue?
Out of the sky as I came through.
What makes the light in them sparkle and spin?
Some of the starry spikes left in.
Where did you get that little tear?
I found it waiting when I got here.
What makes your forehead so smooth and high?
A soft hand stroked it as I went by,
What makes your cheek like a warm white rose?
I saw something better than anyone knows.
Whence that three-comer'd smile of bliss?
Three angels gave me at once a kiss.
Where did you get this pearly ear?
God spoke, and it came out to hear.
Where did you get those arms and bands?
Love made itself into hooks and hands.
Feet, whence did you come, you darling things?
From the same box as the cherubs' wings.
Where did you get that dimple so cute,
God touched my cheek as I came through.
How did they all come just to be you?
God thought of me, and so I grew.
But how did you come to us, you dear?
God thought of you, and so I am here.

~~~

New Day, New Year, New Hope

2009-01-01T21:52:00.005-05:00

Katie loved to draw pictures of her family. In the above, she has depicted herself, her cousins Tommy and James and her sister Shannon, a.k.a. Sissy.

Below is a quote that reminds me of my beloved angel...

*******

“We can all be angels to one another. We can choose to obey the still small stirring within, the little whisper that says, Go. Ask. Reach out. Be an answer to someone's plea. You have a part to play. Have faith. We can decide to risk that He is indeed there, watching, caring, cherishing us as we love and accept love. The world will be a better place for it. And wherever they are, the angels will dance.” ~ Joan Wester Anderson

~~~

His Mercy

2008-12-27T17:10:00.000-05:00

It's cold outside and there are not many flowers. Miraculously, I saw a yellow one today. Katie's favorite...

He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.
~ Titus 3:5

~~~

Katie & Santa

2008-12-25T22:30:00.003-05:00

On this beautiful Christmas night, I just want to pray:

Thank you Jesus, for Katie is with You now and that is much better than even Santa Claus! Give her a kiss from mom and daddy and sissy. Amen.

Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful. ~Norman Vincent Peale
~~~

Christmas All Year Long

2008-12-21T22:57:00.003-05:00

Our Christmas tree

Recipe for Christmas All Year Long

By Joanna Fuchs

Take a heap of child-like wonder
That opens up our eyes
To the unexpected gifts in life—
Each day a sweet surprise.
Mix in fond appreciation
For the people whom we know;
Like festive Christmas candles,
Each one has a special glow.
Add some giggles and some laughter,
A dash of Christmas food,
(Amazing how a piece of pie
Improves our attitude!)
Stir it all with human kindness;

Wrap it up in love and peace,
Decorate with optimism, and
Our joy will never cease.
If we use this healthy recipe,
We know we will remember
To be in the Christmas spirit,
Even when it's not December.

~~~

Katie’s “Alan Jackson Story”

2008-12-15T21:33:00.001-05:00

Katie with her Alan Jackson picture and special teddy bear.

One of the things that Katie loved most in the world was country music. My sister would record the CMT channel and we would take the video tapes to UNC. Katie would watch country music videos every waking moment while in her hospital room. Her doctors and nurses became used to walking into her room and hearing the latest country hits by artists like Trisha Yearwood and George Strait.

Katie’s favorite singing star in the whole world was Alan Jackson. She had all of his recordings and knew all of his songs by heart. Her favorites were “I Don’t Even Know Your Name” and “Little Bitty,” which she would sing to the top of her lungs while swinging on the playground.

One January day we were sitting in the waiting room at UNC for Katie’s first radiation treatment. The doctors had already told her that since I would not be allowed in the radiology room, she was allowed to bring a “special friend” such as a teddy bear.

Katie was sitting on the couch, patiently drawing and coloring, her teddy bear by her side. A very nice lady, who was also awaiting treatment, struck up a conversation with us. She asked Katie what was the name of her teddy bear. Katie replied, “Alan Jackson.”

To our delight, the nice lady told us that she had a friend in Nashville who worked for Alan Jackson. She said she would write her friend a letter telling her about the special little fan named Katie in NC. She seemed sincere, so I gave her our mailing address in case he wanted to write back to her.

A couple of weeks later Katie received a package from Nashville containing a picture of Alan Jackson on a motorcycle. He signed it: “To Katie, from your teddy bear. Love, Alan Jackson.” We framed this picture and she took it with her every time we went to the hospital where it was displayed prominently in her room.

About a year and a half later, Katie had to undergo a bone marrow transplant. Before the procedure, she had more radiation treatments. This time not only was she accompanied by “Alan Jackson Bear” and her special photograph, she was also able to take her Fisher Price tape player inside. Since there was a speaker on the outside of the room (to communicate with the patients), we were able to hear Mr. Jackson’s Greatest Hits loud and clear.

One of the technicians proclaimed to be a big country music fan as well and she loved Alan Jackson. She told me that he was going to be in concert in our area that very weekend. She said she would call the local country radio station to dedicate a song for Katie.

A couple days later Katie received a huge Alan Jackson poster and a tee shirt. We weren’t supposed to hang anything on the walls of the transplant unit, but the kind nurses made an exception for Katie. The poster went up on the wall, and Katie wore the tee shirt as a nightgown every single night.

Then one day while we were still at the hospital, the phone rang. A deep male voice said, “May I speak to Katie? This is Alan Jackson.” Needless to say, I was flabbergasted! Katie was lying on her bed, hooked up to morphine, not feeling well at all. I held the phone to her ear so that he could talk to her. He sang “Little Bitty” to my little girl and she smiled for the first time in days.

I spoke to him for a few minutes as well; he told me about his two daughters and how I must be a very strong person to go through my child’s illness. All of this occurred 11 years ago, but those ten minutes or so is one of my best memories with Katie.

Surely Mr. Jackson has reached out to other sick children as well, and I hope he realizes what a wonderful contribution he makes to their lives. To this day he holds a special place in our hearts.

And now… somewhere in heaven, Katie is on a swing, singing as loud as she can: “Might as well share, might as well smile/ Life goes on for a little bitty while…”

~~~

A Sweet Gift

2008-12-10T23:07:00.002-05:00

Another love note from my angel...

If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give. ~George MacDonald

~~~

It's Coming On Christmas...

2008-12-06T22:28:00.000-05:00

Katie, age 2 ½, December 1993

Katie loved Christmas. One of my favorite quotes from her was: “Christmas is about Jesus and kids - in that order.”

This year will be the 10th Christmas that Katie has been in Heaven. Every year we hang a new angel ornament on the tree to represent her.

Sissy put the Christmas tree up today all by herself and did a really excellent job. Katie would be very proud of the lovely young lady her younger sister is becoming. I know I am.

Dear Jesus, please tell Katie about the 10 blonde and blue eyed angel ornaments we have for her. And give her a kiss from mom. Amen.
~~~

Like There is No Tomorrow

2008-11-30T23:13:00.004-05:00

It is the holiday season... Katie loved this time of year.

“Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again.” – Max Lucado

~~~

Giving Thanks

2008-11-27T22:24:00.002-05:00

“Nurse Katie” 1996

Today was a very special day of Thanksgiving.

I wrote this for Katie on Thanksgiving Day, ten years ago. Nostalgia brought me back to it today…

*******

This Was My Katie

Katie loved ribs cooked on the grill, cucumbers, cheese toast, butter toast, Apple Jacks, Mt. Dew, BBQ chicken, Mio’s pizza, salad with “orange” dressing, Burger King burgers, “smashed” potatoes from KFC, Pizza Inn buffet, Oodles of Noodles, mac&cheese, ABCs123s, crushed ice

Katie loved pink and purple, she loved flowers, she loved to draw, color, write; she most especially loved to write love notes, oh she wrote love notes every day (she left one in every room for us to find later)

Katie played “doctor” on her baby doll “patients”
Games we played at UNC - Go Fish, Adventure Park, Sorry, Trouble
Favorite videos - The Little Rascals, Casper, Toy Story, “CMT”
Favorite TV show of all time- Rugrats
Most favorite toy in the world - “Doggy”

Katie loved Alan Jackson, The Spice Girls, Hanson; she loved to watch both pop and country music videos; she would sing but only if no one was listening

Katie wanted to be a nurse when she grew up
Katie and Shannon would play store and school and Barbies together
Katie loved me . . .

for katie by mom
~~~

Heritage

2008-11-11T23:31:00.004-05:00

A picture by Katie...

Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. ~Psalms 127:3

~~~

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-31T21:02:00.001-04:00

Kate-Kate & Sissy
Halloween 1996

I love this picture of my girls.

Hold on, man. We don't go anywhere with "scary," "spooky," "haunted," or "forbidden" in the title. ~From Scooby-Doo
~~~