Waiting...

Artwork by Katie

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Pray and Wait

People smile and say

How are you today

I smile

And say

Fine

Then my smile cracks

Like a mirror

For I am lying

My little girl is sick

And there is nothing

I can do

But wait

And pray

Pray

And

Wait

For the day to come

When we can say

Cancer free

She is so brave

And smart

And lovely

I feel useless

And stupid

Until at night

She hugs me

And says

Oh my sweet mommy

Then I know

Why I am here

for katie by mom

~~~

"Christmas in Heaven"

Sissy and Katie - Christmas 1995

I found a poem on the internet and am not sure who wrote it. Different websites give credit to different sources; some say a boy named Ben and others cite a teenage girl. Whoever wrote it, God bless them. It gives me comfort each year at Christmas time.

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"I'm Spending Christmas with Jesus This Year"

I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars
Reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
With the Christmas choir up here

I have no words to tell you
The joy their voices bring
For it is beyond description
To hear the angels sing

I know how much you miss me
I see the pain inside your heart
But I am not so far away
We really aren't apart

So be happy for me, dear ones
You know I hold you dear
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year

I sent you each a special gift
From my heavenly home above
I sent you each a memory
Of my undying love

After all love is a gift
More precious than pure gold
It was always most important
In the stories Jesus told

Please love and keep each other
As my Father said to do
For I can't count the blessing or love
He has for each of you

So have a Merry Christmas
And wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas
With Jesus Christ this year

Author Unknown

~~~

Did You Know?

I am listening to the Christmas CD that Todd Agnew (and friends) released a couple of years ago. Every song is so incredibly uplifting. Of course, anything that is poignant, sweet, or melancholy reminds me of my Kate-Kate.

My favorite song is "Did You Know" which asks Jesus:

Did You know?
Did the cross cast its shadow o'er your cradle?
Did You know?
Did You shudder each time Your hammer struck a nail?
Did you know?
How much heaven and how much earth
Were in this baby at His birth?
Did you know? Or did you wonder?

Amazing song ...

~~~

Fight to Win

Katie laughing - age 5

Today I saw a public service announcement for awareness of Hodgkin's disease. It was made in memory of a young lady named Alese Coco, who fought the battle but succumbed two years ago.

The first time I saw the PSA, I was horrified - it seemed like the advertisers were using the "shock value" to get the message across. After watching several times, I finally reached an understanding that sometimes people have to be stunned into action and awareness.

Whatever works to raise money to save lives. Like the smiling, laughing happy girl above who battled a different cancer.

If you have a box of Kleenex handy, watch this PSA for fight2win.org.

~~~~~~~

Love Notes

Post Thanksgiving bliss... I thank the Lord for this... a love note from my Kate-Kate.

A poem by Mary Fairfield

For beauty in nature, Your glory we see

For joy and health, friends and family,

For daily provision, Your mercy and care

These are the blessings You graciously share.

So today we offer this response of praise

With a promise to follow You all of our days.

~~~

Missing an Angel Today

Hello Beautiful Girl, mommy misses you today.

For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increases knowledge increases sorrow. ~ Ecclesiastes 1:18

~~~

Prayer Time

Prayer time, as depicted by Katie

God speaks in the silence of the heart. Listening is the beginning of prayer. ~Mother Teresa

~~~

My Kate-Kate

Halloween 1994

Katie tried, but she was too cute to be a witch for Halloween. This picture was taken the Halloween BC (before cancer.)

Here is a poem I wrote that reminds me of today...

Pictures

Picture the mischievous look on her face when she smiles and says, “You are my favorite mommy in the whole wide world.”

Picture the pride in her eyes when she writes her name for the very first time.

Imagine her delighted giggle when she rides her bike down a hill.

Picture the way her hair curls when you twirl it around your fingers.

Picture how small her hands are when she lovingly touches your face.

Imagine how warm her body feels cuddled next to yours on a stormy night.

Picture how she strikes a pose when she tries on her first high heels.

Picture how beautiful she looks in her princess Halloween costume.

Imagine how sweet her voice is as she is saying, “I love you, my sweet little mommy.”

Now picture her in heaven with the angels and all that you have left of her . . .

Are pictures.

for katie by mom 2000

~~~

A Happy Student

Katie liked school and she enjoyed learning. She even liked to play "school;" she was always the teacher...

You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives. ~Clay P. Bedford

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The B-I-B-L-E

Katie enjoyed listening to Bible stories, especially the ones about Jesus talking to the children. She gets to talk to Him daily now...

But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.
~ 1 Peter 3:15

~~~

Blue Eyes

Baby Katie with big blue eyes

Angels descending, bring from above, Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.
~Fanny J. Crosby

~~~

A Dream

Katie passed away at 4 AM on a Tuesday. For months afterwards, every morning I would wake up at that time. Sometimes I would get up and search for her. God sent me a dream to comfort me...

~~~~~~~

My Dream

In my dream, I looked up
And saw you
You were wearing
A long white dress
Your hair was flowing and golden
You were too beautiful
To behold
You looked at me
And smiled
And I knew
That you were happy
And you wanted me
To be happy, too
I love you, Katie
Love, mommy

for katie by mom

~~~

Deep Dear Silence

Artwork by Katie...

Think, in mounting higher,
The angels would press on us, and aspire
To drop some golden orb of perfect song
Into our deep, dear silence.

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

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Stairway to Heaven

Katie was fascinated by the subject of heaven. She loved God and now she is with Him.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. ~ Ephesians 2:8

~~~

Four on a Swing

Jamie, Sissy, Tommy, Katie

Autumn is here and there is a nip in the air already. Above is a beloved picture of my four favorite children, taking a break after playing in the fall leaves.

Good, good times.

One joy scatters a hundred griefs. - Chinese Proverb

~~~

Angels Resting

May angels rest beside your door
May you hear their voices sing
May you feel their loving care for you
May you hear their peace bells ring
May angels always care for you
And not let you trip and fall
May they bear you up on angel's wings
May they keep you standing tall
May they whisper wisdom in your ear
May they touch you when you need
May they remove from you each trace of fear
May they keep you from feeling greed
May they fill you with their presence
May they show you love untold
May they always stand beside you
And make you ever bold
May they teach you what you need to know
About life here and here-after
May they fill you always with their love
And give you the gift of laughter

Unknown

~~~

Belly Laughs

Two happy laughing girls!

Even in laughter the heart may ache, and the end of joy may be grief.
~ Proverbs 14:13

~~~

Home Again Home Again

Although our house was tiny, to Katie it was a mansion. Here is a picture she drew - she is watching from the window as her dad and me come home...

Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration. ~Charles Dickens

~~~

Letter to God

In spite of my faith in the Lord, sometimes I felt a loss of hope. At these times I would pray and put the words on paper.

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Where...

as i sit and wait and ponder

how the child i love

can be in so much pain

where is God

when the nighttime comes

where is the comfort

the hope, the faith

where is my baby going

how will we cope if the time comes

that she is to go home

will the sunshine come back

i wonder

as i sit by her bedside

raining outside, dreary, gloomy

as i pray and i feel

my prayers stick to the ceiling

oh God i pray please

let my little girl be okay

if just for one more day

for katie by mom

~~~