Dear Katie from Sissy

This note was written by Shannon to Katie. I found it on her facebook page under "notes." Am stealing it...

Dear Katie, I think about you every day, and I dream about you taking care of me when we were little. I remember everything about you. People tell me that I can’t. That I was too young. But I do. I love you. Just as much now as I did when I could talk to you. And I still do. Talk to you, I mean. When I need a big sister to tell my secrets to. Or when I need advice about boys, clothes, and friends. I complain to you about school, and people who’ve hurt me. Usually I talk to you about God. Because you’ve met him. And I know it’s selfish, sissy. But I wish you were here sometimes. I wish I could have grown up with you. I would have been a much better person if I had. I will always miss you, and love you. And I promise I’ll never forget. Not if I can help it.

Sincerely, your sissy here on the ground

~~~

years months days

memories flooding my soul
green satin dress
pale pink flowers
children singing jesus loves me
you sleeping forever
only seven
why?
twelve years
four months
five days
pain searing
no sudden movement
is possible

memories invading my mind
snow white bean blankie
white baby pillow
tan stuffed lion you called a doggie
you smiling at me
my baby
how?
seven years
two months
six days
heart stopping
taken from me
you’re gone

memories intruding my heart
long blonde hair
big blue eyes
beautiful smile that lit up the room
cold hospital
sweet girl
when?
unknown years
nameless months
indefinite days
meeting again
one fine day
in heaven

for katie by mom

~~~

Loves Like a Hurricane

Twelve years ago tomorrow, we buried our angel Katie. It was a hot Friday summer day. After it was over, Katie's daddy, sissy, and I "escaped" to the beach for a few days. We could not face being home.

Now the anniversary looms again, but what are dates on the calendar, really? Time is going to pass ... and yet I am still going to long for my little girl...

Very often I will turn to music for solace. There is a contemporary Christian song that I have been listening to and it has been giving me comfort these past few weeks. It's called "How He Loves," written by John Mark McMillan. It's been redone several times by other artists but his version is my favorite (because it contains the 3rd verse about his late friend Stephen.)

This is my favorite lyric:

"When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me."

The peace flows through me...

~~~

12 Years Ago...

Tomorrow will mark the 12th anniversary of when Katie went to heaven...

This song explains what she means to me... then, now, and always.

Always an Angel

If you saw me smiling

Your eyes would twinkle and you would laugh

If you saw me crying

You’d say “Mommy don’t be so sad”

If you saw me living

You’d be proud and you’d understand

If you saw me dying

You’d reach down and take my hand

You were always an angel
Now you’re with the Lord
Wish that you could come and get me
And take me home
My precious little girl
Oh I miss you still
Always my angel

When I saw you laughing
I knew you were a happy girl
When I saw you crying
It broke my heart to see you hurt
When I saw you living
Thought you’d always be there for me
When I saw you dying
I knew the cancer had set you free

Always an angel
And I’ll thank the Lord
For the seven years I had you
Until I go home
And see my sweet girl
Oh I miss you still
Always my angel

for katie by mom 2001

~~~

Our Family

Our family by Katie

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.
~ Proverbs 22:6

~~~

Golden Girl

Little Katie, age 2

The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
~George Elliot

~~~

Angels in Training

a Sandra Kuck painting

"Angels are the guardians of hope and wonder, the keepers of magic and dreams. Wherever there is love, an angel is flying by. Your guardian angel knows you inside and out, and loves you just the way you are. Angels keep it simple and always travel light. Remember to leave space in your relationships so the angels have room to play. Your guardian angel helps you find a place when you feel there is no place to go. Whenever you feel lonely, a special angel drops in for tea. Angels are with you every step of the way and help you soar with amazing grace. After all, we are angels in training; all we have to do is spread our wings and fly!"
-- Author Unknown

~~~

Grown-Up Sissy

Sissy and Katie, having fun with cake!

Sissy is 18 years old today. Hard to believe that the picture above was taken when Sissy was four. I remember like it was yesterday... When they finished with the bowls, they used them for party hats.

"This is the day
which the Lord has made;
Let us rejoice and be glad in it."
Psalm 118:24

~~~

By the 'Side

This is a pretty painting that reminds me of Katie. The little angel is so contemplative...

When Katie passed away, she didn't just leave me and her dad and her sissy. She had aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends, too.

Her very "best" cousin was Tommy who was 18 months older than her. He was barely 9 when Katie left for heaven. Whenever he would talk about visiting Katie's grave, he didn't call it the "graveyard" or "graveside." He dubbed it The 'Side. All these years later, we still call it that.

Here is a poem I wrote while visiting there one day...

By the 'Side

I wonder what

would happen

if I lay down

beside you

and never got up

but the ground

is cold

and wet and hard

and I can’t

stay here

even though

I yearn to

I long to stay

here with you

but I must go now

because you would

want me to

you would not want

me here

this way

for katie by mom

~~~

Guardians

Katie's drawing of an angel

For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. ~ Psalm 91:11

~~~

Miracle

Every baby born into this world is a wonder from God. This song was written a few years ago about my firstborn.

~~~~~~~

Miracle

On the day that you were born
A baby girl so adored
I looked into those blue eyes and saw
Such love and trust
The first time that I held you I knew
There was something so special about you
You were a miracle to me

On the day the doctor said
That it’s something really bad
I looked into those blue eyes and saw
Such wisdom and faith
You were just a little girl but you knew
God had something special planned for you
You were a miracle to Him

All the days that followed
It seemed so unfair
That one so brave and little
Could be so wise and aware
Of all the struggles you faced
Yet still believe
In miracles
What a miracle you are

On the day that you came home
They said the cancer was gone
I looked into those blue eyes and saw
Such strength and hope
You were ready for the world but we knew
Was this world special enough for you
You were a miracle to us

On the day the angel came
To carry you away
She looked into those blue eyes and saw
Such peace and joy
The first time that she held you she knew
There was something so special about you
You were a miracle to her

All the days that followed
It seemed so unfair
That one so brave and little
Could be so wise and aware
Of all the struggles we faced
Yet still believe
In miracles
What a miracle you were

for katie by mom

~~~

Peace of God

Still smiling, even while in the hospital... that was my brave girl.

Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. ~ Philippians 4:6-7

~~~

A Good Point to Ponder

Artwork by Katie... Quote by Sissy

Hilarity ensues when madness is a constant, a happy madness bathed in laughter. Away from the fears of life, the stress and shame of existing. The failings of mankind. Just happy laughter. If only for a moment more. ~ Sissy

~~~

Another Birthday...

Tomorrow is Katie's birthday. She would have been 19 years old. Ten years ago, on her 9th birthday, I wrote this poem for her...

~~~~~~~

Nine

Dear God Our Father in heaven

It’s an extraordinary day!
For You have with You a little girl
Who’s nine years old today.

I know that You will celebrate
Oh so joyously,
But Lord, please heed this prayer,

As a special favor to me.

I could make a list of all the gifts
That she’d really love,
But what delights her most of all
Is just a simple hug.

She’d enjoy blowing out the candles
On her birthday cake,
But that won’t be necessary,
For what wish would she make?

She already has everything
That a little girl enjoys –
A golden playground in the sky
Filled with lots of toys.

She can run through the clouds
And laugh, sing, and play;
She probably sits in Granny’s lap
And cuddles every day.

With angel friends to play with
And chase among the breeze,
She’s the happiest she’s ever been –
Healthy, whole, and free.

So as angel choirs sing
The birthday song for her today,
Please touch our hearts and send
Your loving peace our way.

I know that every day is wondrous,
Up there where You’re from,
But Lord, please wish my angel
“Happy Birthday” from her mom.

for katie by mom
April 17, 2000
~~~~~~~

Easter Traditions

I had the incredible opportunity to spend Easter with my little grandniece and grandnephew yesterday. They are so precious! Thank You Lord for the children, both big and small.

Tomb, thou shalt not hold Him longer;
Death is strong, but Life is stronger;
Stronger than the dark, the light;
Stronger than the wrong, the right...

~Phillips Brooks, "An Easter Carol"

~~~

For the Good

Toddler Katie, sitting pretty for a portrait ...

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

~ Romans 8:28

~~~

Forever...

"If I had a flower for every time I think of you... I would walk forever in my garden." ~ Alfred Tennyson

Katie loved flowers, especially yellow ones, and she liked to pick them herself and make bouquets. She would always give them away.

She also loved angels; her favorites were Lady angels with long blonde hair. She didn't like cherubs very much because they had no clothes.

These are a few of the things that I remember and it makes me smile...

~~~

Some People

Above is a picture of a beautiful toddler named Katie. Below is a fervent poem that I wrote shortly after she was diagnosed with cancer. It is somewhat "woe is me" but heartfelt.

Some People

Some people have normal lives
What a concept
They can go out to eat
Or to a movie
And blend in
Just like everyone else
We don’t
They stare
Some people
A few openly
Others discreetly
All with pity
Children sometimes
Ask innocent questions

Why is she different

From everybody else

Some people get teary-eyed

Some shy away as if

Cancer were contagious

(It’s not)

I want to say

Don’t you realize

You are in the presence

Of an angel?

I want to cry out

Don’t pity us

We are okay

But I smile

Nod politely

Accept the sympathy

For what it is worth

Some people

Have

Normal lives

What a

Concept

for katie by mom 1996

~~~

All Things New

This verse speaks to my heart today... I know my little girl is with God. And we will be there too one day! No tears, no pain...

And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful. ~ Revelation 22:4-5

~~~

Sisters

Sisters forever...

If we are to have real peace, we must begin with the children. - Mahatma Gandhi

~~~

Katie's Dad

Today is Katie's daddy's birthday. Above is a picture she drew for him. It's a cherished piece of artwork.

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

~~~

Best Buddies

Sweet sisters, all smiles...

A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life. ~Isadora James

~~~

Matters of the Heart

Valentine by Katie...

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
~ Proverbs 4:23

~~~

This Nightmare

Some days I just feel sorry for myself.... I wrote this song on one of Those Days...

~~~~~~~

This Nightmare

Sometimes my grief and suffering will still push me over the edge

And I will do something bizarre like cry and plead and beg

But I suppose that God is used to harassment

On days when I can not utter a sentence that is complete

The only comfort I can find are the dreams that come with sleep

But I suppose that angels offer serenity

Take me from this nightmare

Is my constant agonizing prayer

Lift my broken spirit

If You really do care like You say You do

Like You say You do

This work in progress is weak and full of misunderstandings

I have so much to offer, like peace and new beginnings

But I suppose this world will not stop turning

Today I got up from my bed, ready to finally face a day

The sunlight blinded my eyes and I retreated once again

But I suppose there always is tomorrow

Take me from this nightmare

Is my constant agonizing prayer

Lift my broken spirit

If You really do care like You say You do

Like You say You do

Take me from this nightmare

Take me from this nightmare

Yeah

written during a deep depression, obviously

~~~

Memories...

Artist Katie with her masterpieces proudly displayed in the hospital room...

The past couple of weeks have been hard on my in-law family. Our grand-niece Sophie, a beautiful 3-year-old with cystic fibrosis, has been in the hospital. She has been gravely ill and there were times when we just didn't know how things were going to turn out.

Her mom, dad, baby brother, grandparents, aunt, and all of the extended family have been praying for her continuously. Finally... today she came home from the hospital! Praise God!

Times like these bring back so many memories for me. Thoughts of Katie come to me and the experience we shared seems like yesterday, not almost 12 years ago. The onslaught of pain to my heart overwhelms me as I recall the days and nights of long hospital visits. The IVs, the shots, the bandage changes, not to mention the chemo.

As I type this, I feel split in two somehow. One part of me is so sad and longing, weeping, wishing, wondering what life would be like if I could just hold Katie one more time... On the other hand, I am grateful that the Lord gave us seven years with an angel. I feel blessed for those midnight rides down the interstate, rushing to get to UNC. Me and Kate-Kate against the world...

Most of all, I am thankful for the children that are still here on earth with me. I have a lovely teenage daughter who is sweet and has a generous heart. I have my grand-niece and grand-nephew; I will watch them grow up... And I will smile and be glad.

~~~