Blooming Love

photo by cutecolors.com

“Bloom Where You are Planted”

This is one of my favorite sayings. I have it hanging on the wall at home and at work. What it means to me is that we are supposed to make the best of every situation we are in, no matter where we are. Specifically, we are to shine bright for God.

Katie spent all of her seven years on earth by this motto. She set a good example for me…

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Had to Let Her Go

Sweet Katie, seven years old...

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A Plea

We had a little Kate-Kate

We had to let her go

I am so lonely for her now

Try not to let it show

I hurt so bad, so bad inside

Feel like I’m gonna die

I miss her oh so bad, so bad

Please God, oh tell me why

You took my baby up to You

I know she’s by your side

But oh God, give me comfort

Some peace that will abide

Tuesdays are unbearable

That’s when the pain is worse

Fridays are unbelievably sad

That’s when we buried her

Oh God, please God, oh hear me

I am crying out to You now

I am so sad, so achingly sad

Bereavement is not proud

We had a little Kate-Kate

We had to let her go . . .

for katie by mom

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Hope Chest

A Relay For Life update...

Sissy is a member of the Youth Team and for her fundraiser, she is selling raffle tickets for the hope chest pictured above.

Her dad built the chest and it is beautiful. It was her idea to have the word hope on the front. Not just because it's a "hope chest" but because Katie's middle name was Hope.

We are proud of Sissy for her hard work and glad that she still has memories of her sister in her heart.

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Hospital Life

What a long week, full of meetings, at work and also at Sissy's school. I am blessed with a fabulous job with the best co-workers ever. My daughter has a couple of very supportive teachers that are good to her.

When Katie was with us, I had a good job that allowed me the flexibility needed to be at the hospital with her when necessary.

We spent a lot of time at UNC. Above is one of her favorite "works of art." Also, below is a "rambling" that I wrote one night while sitting in her room on the 7th floor.

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At Night

You lie there sleeping peacefully
In your hospital bed
It doesn’t seem fair that you are so sick
Again…
You don’t even realize that you are sick
You don’t let the cancer get you down
You are a miracle child
I sit by your bedside
It’s one a.m.
I am in the dark writing this
Only by the light from the stars
Outside the window
I am so sad tonight
Because I can’t accept the fact
That this time…
Well, you are strong
This is not your first “rodeo”
You play and color and draw
And write cards and notes
For the people you love
Always thinking of others
That is so like you
So brave and wise
Much wiser than I
Smarter than any of us
Please tell me sweetheart
What you dream about
At night
Is it the future, the past
Or just here, just now
Right where you are
I run my fingers through your hair
And it comes out in my hand
Golden curly strands, so beautiful
I can’t stand it, my heart hurts
So I stop
Sit up and clutch the curls to my chest
And think that I’d better keep this hair
Because . . .
I look over at you
You are like an angel, so beautiful
Perfect face
Your blue eyes are closed in slumber
Your smile is still for the night
You clutch your baby pillow
And precious bean bag blankie
What do you dream about
You are only five, Lord, only five
You smile in your sleep
Roll over, reach for me
And I go to you
Good night

for katie by mom
~~~

Heaven's Girl

imikimi - Customize Your World

Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads. - Henry David Thoreau

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Trey

There is a little boy named Trey who goes to my church. He is around the same age that Katie was when she was here. Trey has an illness that requires frequent hospital stays, which gives him the frail, haunted look that Katie used to get sometimes.

Tonight at church we learned that he broke his wrist in a fall, so he is in our prayers again.

Every time I see Trey it is like looking at Katie all over again. Sometimes I cry but I don't let him see me. Even though I think he would understand and not think that I am some crazy lady.

This past Sunday, Trey gave me a hug and it made me so happy. His tiny body felt so much like my Kate-Kate's that it was like hugging her again.

Sometimes my sadness still overwhelms me. But only God sees...

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Greater Love

Toddler Katie and Baby Shannon

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

~ John 15:12-13

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The “D” Word

It’s weird how often humans refuse to use the “D” word when it comes to the loss of a loved one.

We prefer to say “she passed away” or “she’s gone to heaven” or “she’s in a better place.” Nobody wants to say “she died” or “she’s dead.”

I have a hard time saying the “D” word. So often in my writings, I can not express Katie’s passing in that way.

So very hard to say the word DEATH. Especially about someone who is still so alive in your heart…

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Mountains and Mustard Seeds

Curly-top Katie in her cowgirl boots!

And Jesus said unto them ... "I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
~ Matthew 17:20

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Angel's Kiss

The above painting by Sandra Kuck is my very favorite. It reminds me so much of Katie. I hope she does have a special friend up there in heaven...

If I have freedom in my love,
And in my soul am free,
Angels alone that soar above,
Enjoy such liberty.
~Richard Lovelace

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In the Quiet

Sissy’s friends have all gone home and after two nights of staying up late, she is taking a much needed rest. Teenagers need naps too, as well as moms.

It seems like yesterday that Sissy was just a tiny baby that I called my “little turtle.” Her sister Katie was 13 months older than her. They were very close.

Above is one of my favorite pictures of them together, taken at Disney World in ’96.

Going to rest now and maybe dream a little bit…

Speaking of dreams, here is a poem that I wrote one year after Katie went to heaven.

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Did I Dream You?

Sometimes I think I dreamed you
Was there really a little girl
With big blue eyes and golden hair
Saying “I love you”
Did I imagine you
Were you real
Did God really lay you in my arms
Eight years ago
Or did I dream you

Sometimes I think I dreamed it
Was there really a man in white
With a concerned voice and kind face
Saying “it’s cancer”
Did I imagine it
Was it real
Did you really go through all that pain
For three long years
Or did I dream it

Sometimes I think I dreamed her
Was there really a heavenly angel
With feathery wings and golden halo
Saying “it’s time now”
Did I imagine her
Was she real
Did she really take you home to Jesus
One year ago
Or did I dream that

for katie by mom

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Movie Day

Am sitting here waiting for Sissy and her two friends to finish putting make-up on each other. We have to leave in a few minutes to go to the movies. I've already given the 5 minute warning but it fell on deaf ears.

I can't help but remember the last movie that we saw with Katie. It was the Disney cartoon Mulan. How fitting that we saw a story about a very brave young girl...

Okay, 2 minute warning!

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TGIF!

Kate-Kate & Sissy at the beach in 1996


Yay for Friday! "Sissy" is having a couple of friends over this weekend, which is always a fun time for her (and for me, too.) Her dad and I enjoy hearing the laughter come from her room when she is having a good time.

She was only 6 years old when Katie went away to heaven, but she has fond memories of her. She misses her just as much as her father and I do.

All of us are better for having Katie a part of our lives. Sissy is a very good buddy to her friends; they love coming to our house.

Well, let's get the "mom bus" rollin'...

~~~

Always There...

Angels Always There

By Sancie Earman King

Whenever I’m in fervent prayer
I feel God’s holy angels there;
Protective, loving, and serene;
Who stay nearby, tho yet unseen.
Thus, when I feel my heart might break,
I try to smile for Jesus’ sake;
Whose angels let my faith not dim
That I might see the smile of Him!

~~~

Seventeen Candles

Katie - April 17, 1998 (age 7)

Happy Birthday Angel Daughter!

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Seventeen Candles

No cake, no party hats
We won’t be having any of that
No new dress or high heel shoes
I won’t be wrapping presents for you
It’s just me and your photographs
Looking at pictures of birthdays past
Here’s you with grandma and sissy too
Oh your big bright smile lit up the room
Here’s one with nana & pa and daddy & me
I’m smiling through my tears and memories
Missing you like it was yesterday
When the angel came and took you away
Heartbreak overwhelms like a tidal wave
It’s not fair that I can’t say happy birthday

Seventeen candles
Lit up for you
You’re not here to make a wish
They’ve all come true
Up there in heaven
It’s joyful everyday
But we’re still down here
Just marking off the days
Until that wish comes true
We will light seventeen candles for you

Ten years have gone so fast
Sometimes I feel I’m still in the past
Remember your new bike and Barbie car
Your little stuffed lion that you called a dog
We could have a party in a hospital room
And be just as thrilled as the man in the moon
So many happy days and so much bliss
Oh how I long for you on days like this
My mind takes a trip in time to visit you
Need your strength and courage, what do I do
Praying for the heartache to fade for awhile
I close my eyes and can still see your smile
Then I look up at the stars and they seem to say
Angels are there to wish you happy birthday

Seventeen candles
Lit up in the sky
You’re in heaven, child
The stars shine tonight
Down here on earth
We miss you everyday
But you’re up there
Just counting down the days
Until that prayer comes true
Heaven shines seventeen candles for you

a song for katie by mommy

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Dear Jesus, please tell Katie "happy birthday" from her mom

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Thank You Jesus for This Day

Am sitting here in the quiet, just minutes before midnight and a new morning. Today was a good day of joy and peace and hope and love and so many wonderful things.

Camaraderie with friends and co-workers, a hug from my husband when he got home from work, sitting beside my daughter during church service, sitting here now with my little dog by my side.

A very awesome day indeed. Lord, I thank You for it. Please give Katie a hug and tell her that mommy says Hello and I miss her.

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Revive Us Again

I found the above baby picture of Katie and it made me smile…

There are days when the ache for my angel is more fierce and other times I can bear it better. I have so much to be thankful to God for – He has blessed me in so many ways.

Tonight I went to revival at church. Our pastor’s daughter, who is also an ordained minister, gave the message and it was wonderful.

Sometimes I sing solos in church and tonight I was blessed to do the Nicole C. Mullen song “Call on Jesus.” I did not do it justice, but it was heartfelt. Those words hit home on every level.

ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!

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Happy Heart

Happy Katie with a balloon...

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones. ~ Proverbs 17:22

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Sometimes...

Great news! Our team raised over $2000 for Relay For Life yesterday!

Katie has been on my mind a lot lately. So many reminders of her sweet beautiful face… above is a picture that was taken a couple of months before the cancer came and took control of our lives.

Below is a song that I wrote a couple of years ago; I feel like this today…

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Sometimes

Sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breath
Days and weeks go by
And I won’t cry
But then . . .
I’ll stumble across a photograph
Or a note you wrote to me
And suddenly, I’m taken back
To how it used to be
When you were here

Sometimes it seems just like you weren’t real
Days and weeks go by
It seems to fly
And then . . .
I open a drawer and there you are
It all comes back to me
And suddenly the tears flow
And I fall down to my knees
Wish you were here

Sometimes it takes too long to understand
Days and weeks go by
I can’t deny
So then . . .
I kiss your picture and put it back
And wipe away my tears
And suddenly the peace flows
And it eases all my fears
You are still here

Sometimes I’m still so ravaged by my pain
Days and weeks go by
Can’t explain why
But then . . .
Another voice will call to me
Reminds me I’m alive
And suddenly I believe
That it will be all right
Because I am here

But sometimes it hurts so bad . . .

for katie by mom

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Relay For Life

Today we are having a fund raising event at church for Relay for Life. We are selling BBQ chicken plates with all the country trimmings.

I hope we raise a lot of money for the American Cancer Society's cause. If just one person can be cured from cancer it is worth it.

When Katie was with us, we attended a Relay for Life event, about eleven years ago. At the time she was doing okay, so we did the traditional Survivor's Lap. She rode in a wagon that I pulled around the track. The folks in the stands clapped and cheered.

Cherished memories of the bravest little person I ever knew.

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Seventeen...

In seven days it will be April 17th...

If my Kate-Kate was still here on earth instead of in heaven she would be 17 years old.

17 on the 17th...

Oh how I miss my angel daughter...

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